Habet mulier animiam. (Woman carries soul.)
~ Carl Jung
Uncle Carl often repeated this Latin quote in his essays on the feminine unconscious.
A functional translation of this idea is:
A man’s relationships with women reflect his inner psychology.
I’ve found this to be true 100% of the time in coaching men in dating, sex, and relationships. What nowadays may be referred to as “inner game” always reveals itself eventually, and ultimately dictates feeling-behavior.
This is crux of Jung’s Anima/Animus concepts—That men have a “feminine” aspect to their soul, and women a “masculine.”
Many people confuse and over-spiritualize this idea.1 From a grounded evolutionary lens, it’s simple:
We all carry within us millions of years of evolution to survive and reproduce.2 The latter determine all our feelings and behaviors when it comes to intimate connection: attraction, lust, romance, connection, attachment, etc.
Therefore we can come up with a more function definition:
Anima: The collection of feeling-behaviors (instincts) that allow a man to succeed with women.
There are 5 Aspects to the Feminine/Anima
When a guy has an unwanted pattern with women, it can always be traced back to at least one of these:
Mother
Muse
Concubine
Queen
Daughter
These aspects exist in all women as part of their reproductive instincts. They will come out in any continued intimate situation, if given the chance. (You won’t see all of woman come out in a one night stand.)
They are ordered by how they come out in the Human Mating Ritual (meeting/dating, sex, long term attachment/relationship/family.)
Lastly, this order is also how they develop in a male’s psyche as he matures from boyhood to potential fatherhood. (For women, 1 and 5 are reversed.)
By understanding how to handle all five of these aspects, a man can have fulfilling intimacy across the board without having to think. Each aspect also represents a part of who he is.
Here they are:
Woman as Mother
Mommy is a boy’s first representation of the Feminine. In infancy, she his is literal source of nourishment, but also love and safety. Whoever fills the “mother” role in his life, will shape what Jung termed the Mother Image.
A man’s Mother Image is imprinted from gestation3 till roughly age seven. His mother’s sense of emotional security and ability to unconditional love deeply imprint his adult emotional patterns and behaviors, specifically: self-worth, emotional security, assumption of “deservingness,” and shame vs. self-acceptance.
A man with a healthy Mother Image inherently believes he deserves to be happy (from his mother’s secure unconditional love) and doesn’t feel he always has “something to prove.” In relationships, he’s not reactive, has good boundaries, isn’t needy, and can securely express his love and interest. His integrated Mother Image serves as the basis for secure attachment and intuition. He also assumes deep down that he’s a likable man.
A man with an unhealthy Mother Image (“Mother Wound”), will generally feel insecure or ashamed in life. In relationships, he’ll feel his worth is conditional on what he does, which either can make him needy or cold. Deep down, a Mother Wounded-man doesn’t trust women and therefore resents them and feminine traits (even if he’s attracted to them at the same time.)
Mother Wounded men can either become needy Nice Guys, or angry assholes. They are two sides of the same coin— an inner child so hurt by the Feminine that he must cope.
The Mother Image should not directly show up in adult romantic relationships, but unfortunately it often does. Men with Mother Wounds treat their girlfriends/wives like their mother (neediness or anger) because they are incomplete on that front from childhood.
Collectively, the Mother Wound is seen in grown men still seeing themselves as boys. Such men did not get the “completion” needed from a healthy maternal relationship, so they are stuck in early development with women.
The key to integrating the Mother image/ healing the Mother Wound is emotional security—When a man can provide his own security, he stops being dependent on reactions from women, and can act from his center.
Woman as Muse
Somewhere between age 3-7 a boy will have developed enough independence from his mother, that he can relate to the Feminine in a different form— his first crush.
The Muse is activated the first time he notices a girl or woman is attractive. Usually it’s an “innocent” attraction (pre-sexual). He just notices there’s something about certain feminine beings that captivate his attention.
I chose to call it the “Muse” because this fascination with femininity inspires a man to be creative and get closer to her. It makes him want to make her laugh, impress her, take actions that would have her interested in him. Like artistic creativity, it comes with a certain euphoria and loss of control.
In the Human Mating Ritual, the Muse first appears during the “courtship” phase—The first flirtations, laughter, and desire to “get to know each other” mark the presence of the Muse.
It also appears every moment of romance (sexual or not) between two lovers, or any time they are having fun together.
Evolutionarily, it dictates all the tendencies when a man and woman are “hitting it off.” Women tend to become more girlish and giggle when attracted to a man—these are an unconscious mechanisms for signaling interest to invite the man in.
A man with a healthy relationship to the Muse are able to “follow their instincts” when it comes to approaching and flirtation. He has a good sense of humor and doesn’t overthink. (You can’t calculate art.) He reads women well and picks up cues. He trusts that if he acts in the name of his attraction, the right words and actions will come out of him. He makes his woman laugh a lot.
A man with an unhealthy relationship with the Muse has a hard time genuinely having fun, especially with women. He goes “up into his head” because he doesn’t trust the feeling of the moment. Therefore he overthinks and doesn’t know what to say. In a long term relationship, he relies on his partner or others to generate fun.
To integrate the Muse, a man must find his internal capacity for joy, adventure, and creativity.
Woman as Concubine
A boy’s first sexual thoughts and feelings mark a totally different dimension to the Feminine. Once puberty is in full swing, he’ll have a totally different set of drives when it comes to women.
These carnal thoughts may co-exist with his “innocent” Muse adoration, but it’s a totally different character.
I call it the Concubine because its the aspect of the Feminine related to lust and power. Like the name imagery suggests, its the archetype within women that wants to be dominated by a powerful male, and that within men that wants to dominate.
Evolutionarily, its the program within women to be impregnated by high value sperm. It’s what makes a woman want to be slutty, desired, taken (in the right circumstances).
Many men, especially those conditioned by Nice Guy culture, have a hard time understanding this part of women. He may fear or judge women for having a sexual side. Usually deep down this reveals a fear of his own sexual inadequacy (lack of power/potency).
In the Human Mating Ritual, its the drive to have sex. New relationships that find they “can’t keep their hands off each other” are being driven by the Concubine.
It’s the most taboo in society since it’s the most selfish4 of the 5 aspects. It’s in direct contradiction to most accepted modern tropes for women:
The Feminist who never lets a man have power over her.
The Christian Good Girl who would never have “filthy” desires.
We see it culturally sublimated into subcultures and counter cultures (i.e. rap music, Halloween costumes.)
The Concubine determines power dynamics and carnal attraction.
A man with a healthy relationship to the Concubine knows how to be dominant in a way that women want. He feels empowered, self-assured, and can be selfish in the right ways.
A man with an unhealthy relationship to the Concubine has a hard time consciously accessing his lust. Often he’ll reject or feel repulsed by real women’s sexuality. But then his sexual nature will get compartmentalized in simulation like porn or OnlyFans.
Often in shows as a Madonna-Whore Complex in that love and lust cannot be felt at the same time.
The key to integrating the Concubine is embracing his true sexual nature and desire for power.
Woman as Queen
When our pre-civilization ancestors acted on their Concubine impulses, pregnancy eventually resulted.
Women obvious undergo major biological, and therefore emotional, changes. But men, given the chance, do too— Being around a pregnant woman will lower you testostorone.5 Evolutionarily, this is so you feel less desire to continually seek more mates, and instead stick around to raise your baby on the way.
This is why feelings of attachment are common after sex. More so after good sex.
Post-coital attachment is usually greater in women because they have less choice if pregnant. Men can physically run from parenthood. Women cannot—so better make sure the father stays to help raise it.
I call this aspect the Queen to contrast the Concubine, in that this is the singular woman whose children he want to raise.
A biological male can impregnate unlimited woman. But he can only provide—materially and emotionally— for a limited number. (Even a hypothetical rich polygamist will still be taking away time from one set of kids for every minute he spends with another.)
You can create literal life with Concubines. But you create your life with your chosen Queen.6
The Queen dictates all feeling-behaviors that make the man want to stay and raise the new family—attachment, love, sustained romance (beyond the “honeymoon” period).
It also determines the ongoing feelings between partners once they are committed. This can be everything from inspiring the best in each other to annoying nagging.
A healthy Queen relationship means that a man feels empowered by his relationship. (And his woman does too—feels like a Queen.) He is continuously inspired to care for his woman because however much he gives, he gets a greater “return” in joy.
An unhealthy Queen relationship means the man feels drained, shrunken, or disempowered. This can mean they fight a lot, feel cold, or both.
Handling the Queen means creating a Perimeter that makes her want to relax into your leadership.
Though many may not have or want children, relationship instincts all go back to pregnancy—A pregnant woman is highly vulnerable and has critical needs that ideally would be fulfilled by the man who knocked her up.
Per our initial premise that a man’s relationships reveal his inner workings, long term relationship is where all the stops get pulled. A healthy relationship requires all preceding aspects to be handled well. If not, the Queen will become tyrannical or absent.
But there’s one last aspect, that is beneath the surface…
Woman as Daughter
At some point in intimacy, a man will “meet” his partner’s inner child. The Little Girl inside her.
It usually appears in some moment of emotionality after some level of security is established. (Though sometimes earlier after say, impactful sex.)
Many relationship experts take the spiritual lens that we “work out our childhood wounds” in our adult relationships.
Evolutionarily, it may also be a proxy text for your fatherhood potential—If you can’t handle an adult woman’s emotions, you probably won’t be so good at raising small children. Also, when a woman is pregnant, nursing/in post-partum, her rational faculties will be supplanted by feeling-ones (“Mom brain”). So she’ll need her man to handle more things, including her.7
Here’s where the modern feminist lens can really harm real intimacy. The idea that women are identical with men goes directly against what most women need from their partners.
One of the most universal complaint men have about women is “irrational” emotions.
Listen to men complain about women, and you’ll hear things like, “she’s acting like a child,” “I don’t expect to sort out my emotions.”
Of course not. You’re the man.
There’s one reframe that has significantly increased my ability to be patient and supportive with my wife when she’s emotional:
I see her as my daughter.
I remember she’s not acting as a rational adult, so I drop those expectations. I treat her as a child. I try to care for her as a child.
Some may call this “infantilizing.” I say expecting an emotional woman to behave like a man is simply inaccurate and harmful.
It makes it a lot easier to make rational decisions while being patient.
Integrating the Daughter means being able to take full responsibility for your emotional dependents without resentment.
Conclusion
A man’s relations with women are a direct reflection of his soul— his inner workings.
All of our feeling-behaviors in intimacy come from our instincts to create life. (Human Mating Ritual.)
Unwanted patterns with women can always be traced to one of the above 5 aspects.
By integrating this five aspects, a man will have naturally fulfilling relationships across the board.
P.S. I just posted a playlist on my podcast where I read Jung’s essays on the Feminine and give commentary/explanation. The first essay, “Woman as Soul” is up already.
Follow the playlist here to catch the next ones.
If you have unwanted patterns with women, shoot me a message. (Everything 100% confidential.)
Jung conceived this idea over 100 years ago. His descriptions clash with modern culture’s take on gender. I don’t think it’s useful to get caught up in the political side of it.
Even though non-hetero folks’ drives may not lead to literal reproduction, the fact that same-sex romance “looks the same” shows that they have the same evolutionary roots. The few gay men I’ve coached around relationships have had the same archetypal drives you’d see in a straight guy.
Maternal Prenatal Stress Transfer is one example of how a man’s mother affects his personality before birth. The study below and others have shown how when a woman experiences high levels of stress during pregnancy, the elevated cortisol can affect the unborn baby’s gene expression such that he is born already prone to anxiety, diabetes, and certain stress-related conditions.
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2872196/
Leary argued that all culture exists to control sexuality which by nature is purely self-interested. Cultural norms put restraints and order on our genes desire to replicate at all costs.
Prolactin, a hormone that allows women to lactate, indirectly suppresses testosterone by binding the follicle stimulating hormone and luteinizing hormone.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/3324676/
Though I work with men (and sometimes their partners in couples-counseling), women often ask me, “Why do guys want to sleep with me, but not be in a relationship with me?” The long answer to that deserves it’s own post, but the short answer is:
Men categorize women as f*ckable (Concubine) or dateable (Queen) early on based on her behavior. If men only want to sleep with you, you’re advertising the wrong archetype.
Some may find this offensive. But if you’ve been around pregnant/nursing women, you know it’s true. And there’s good reason for it—Being a good infant mom requires a high level of sensitivity and empathy which has an inverse relationship to abstract thinking.
Love this 🤩